Love and Other Disasters
by Words of Heresy
Summary: It took Eric a moment to catch on to the fact she had spoken, still bewildered by this gods' grotesque idea of a joke. How unsuitable her voice sounded on that frame, so gruff and tom boyish; like a dwarf in a ballet outfit, singing soprano.
1. Chapter 1

The night was cold, not that he could feel it but from the feel of the wind hitting his face it forebode storm. An unexpected if not unwelcome change in weather in the usually humid southern Bon Temps. Pulling his Ferrari into the crowded parking lot of the ever merry 'Merlottes' Bar and Grill' Eric Northman pressed the button that reattached the roof to his vehicle and smirked lazily. Time to make some bigots piss themselves.

Exiting the car he strode up to the entrance in slow, languid movements, uncaring of the pace when there was nowhere to rush. Compton and his fair-headed telepath had left to Vermont earlier that week in order to finally publicize the boring monogamous affair they called "love". Nothing else interested him in this town and no one else really new him either; but Pam was PMSing (how she still managed after 100 years was beyond him) still she was nonetheless aggressive and unapproachable. When he realized that no amount of "put down the throne, as your master I command you" did any good. For fear of being accidently stabbed or strapped in silver Eric made the wise choice of clearing our for a few hours, and let her miss him some before coming in before dawn for what indubitable would be round two of the same bullshit.

Stepping into the well lit bar, it took less then a minute for all eyes to fall on him and voices to extinguish. Flashing a fabulous fanged smile all around the joint of gapping on lookers he proudly walked over to the bar, the previous residents of which were thoughtfully migrating with the speed of foreign asylum seekers. Plunking himself in the middle to insure the rest of the bar stays blissfully free of fearful whisperers, he looked up expecting to see the black visage of Sookies' childhood friend, some girl with a distinguishing attitude problem. Instead he faced a…child? Maybe not but the girl before him was scarcely of legal age, looking at most to be toeing the line at 15, with assisted imagination 16 years of age. Her height and appearance didn't do her justice if she were truly of age. Standing at just over 5 feet, she had a pallid complexion highlighted only by two rosy cheeks, glowing on her chubby face. Her eyes were blue, not the sky blue so often seen in southern beauties but rather a deeper blue reminiscent of the dwell between the shallow and deep end of the ocean coast. The size of those orbs overwhelmed her small oval face and together with plump bee stung lips made a set that in a comical fashion gave her the appearance of being in a frozen state of constant awe or excitement. This was made further tragic by the unsightly mop of waist long hair that border lined between red and strawberry blonde, giving it a dreadful appearance of having been put to many times through the washing machine. She had the front clipped back with a small butterfly clip that added to the child like illusion. The fact that she clearly didn't use make up did not help either.

"What can I get you guv?"

It took Eric a moment to catch on to the fact she had spoken, still bewildered by this gods grotesque idea of joke before him.

"Umm eyes up here sugar puff"

At that moment Eric realized he had been trailing his eyes south in order to appraise her style of dress, worn out jeans with slit knees and a black singlet that said, "rocking it" in pink glitter; as devastating as the girl wearing them if not more so. He gave a 'humph' of amusement, there was nothing to look at. The girl was flat as an ironing board.

"I'm sorry I was just wondering considering the lack of necessary assets, what exactly is it that you're "rocking" in that shirt."

_Ahh_ there it was, the insult that would make her already ruddy face flush and most likely initiate a heated response in which the frequent use of such terms as 'soulless leech' and 'dead mother fucker' would be used. Why the hell did he say that. To run from one PMSing bitch right into another; Eric you're a fucking moron.

She was looking at him, her expression thoughtful but measured, giving nothing away. Then suddenly as if shoved by some vocal force she burst into uncontrollable laughter, rubbing a beer glass with a cloth and rhythmically swinging back and forth with the power of her chortling.

"You know I was wondering the very same thing when I put this shirt on this morning. I got it as a birthday present last week from my sister in law. I think it was her way of making a point. She's been pressing me to get em' done for a few years now, swears by em' too," she said with a wink before placing the now polished glass on the rack.

"So what can I get you? Or are you here to catch girls with bad pick-up lines and sexist jokes?"

That truly unexpected come back snapped Eric out of his thoughts which had drifted to contemplate how unsuitable her voice sounded on that frame, so gruff and tom boyish; like a dwarf in a ballet outfit, singing soprano. He smirked with genuine interest as the she picked up another glass and started drying it.

"Well if you can't tell I have rather peculiar taste in the selection of my …'liquids', but since I've obviously chased away the rest of your brigade of loyal drunkards I'll have the most flamboyant cocktail you have on the menu, so we both have a reason for being here." He finished with a smirk.

"Well if that's your ride up front I'm guessing I can go nut on this one and you'll still have enough to tip me. How about I'll make you one of my own creations, I've been told its haven but you'll never know will you?" she laughed and swung her hair back ever her shoulder carelessly. Leaning down he watched as she bought up bottles of different liquors and colored substances which he only assumed to be cordials of some type as well as an old fashioned Boston Style shaker and a cocktail glass. What followed was an experience worth the money on its own. Eric sat mesmerized as the girl let loose with the bottles spinning them like batons in her nibbles fingers and speed pouring into the jigger in rapid succession. The shake itself was fascinating to watch. Her child like physic shook whole bodied as she swung the mixer back and forth over her shoulder making a rhythmic rattle. The final straw for Eric was how brilliantly she broke the shaker free and placing a strainer quickly over the top poured the drink into the freshly iced cocktail glass, one hand stuck professionally behind her back, the other moving the shaker up and down as the liquid poured smoothly into the glass. The magnificent performance took only 3 minutes and left Eric thoroughly impressed.

"Here you go"

She placed the glass with bubble gum colored liquid in front of him and stepped back. Grabbing the used utensils she turned around and started washing up. When she turned back Eric was still staring at her, his untouched drink perspiring droplets of crystalline water onto the waiting coaster.

"How fast can you serve straight mixers, vodka and coke, gin and tonic etc?"

She smiled

"Wanna find out, its gonna cost ya."

Smirking he retrieved his wallet and slammed $100 bill on the counter. Not batting an eyelid she took the money to the cashier returning shortly with $85 in change.

"For this I can make 15 in about 4 minutes "

"No you cant"

"Wanna bet blondie?"

"Its not wise to name call a vampire who knows where you work."

"Its not wise to assume I'm in capable of making 15 straight mixers in 4 minutes when you don't know me"

"Touché"

Reaching once again for his wallet he slapped down another $100 bill.

"I'll make that bet, if you loose you get $100."

She frowned, "and if I win?"

"We're not there yet. Start pouring."

15 tumblers and 3.4 minutes later had Eric clap in slow motion while the girl not even slightly out of breath meticulously placed coasters under each glass. And that's how Sam found them, 16 drinks lined up on the bar, covering one end to the other, a clapping vampire, and his newest addition looking far to smug for her own good.

"What's going on here? Who gave you permission to waste my liquor? I don't fucking pay you $15 an hour so you can pour my booze down the sink and entertain vampires!" he shouted attracting the attention of all his patrons. The girl colored and hung her head.

"H…he…"

"H…h…he what?" Sam mocked as he advanced on her having the advantage of almost a head in height over the cowering red head.

"I should just fire you on the spot, there's no place for lazy, wasteful bartenders like yourself at Merlottes'."

"But there is at Fangtasia, which is where you're working from now on. I will pay you $20 an hour plus extra on public holidays and will give you 5 days off for every month paid leave."

The silence was absolute, somewhere in the background a fork dropped. The girls' fearful eyes shifted from Sam's gapping visage to his own smirking face.

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Trade 3 days of the paid leave for your personal guarantee of protection and you've got a deal mister."

Eric didn't hesitate for a minute, "done".

Growling in frustration Sam stalked off, mumbling under his breath, "you still owe me this shift", before disappearing into the kitchen. The noise levels gradually build up again.

"What is his problem?"

"I refused to sleep with him, which brings me back to your offer. I'm signing up to be your bartender not your blood letting fang-banger."

Smirking at the thought of anyone wanting to do the nasty with the girl apart from her obviously tasteless boss, he nodded.

"Understood"

"You got a name Bossman?"

"Eric Northman and what is your name?"

She smiled and for the first time that night he noticed dimples trying to break free on her chubby cheeks.

"Billy May"


	2. Chapter 2

"You ever been to Fangtasia"

"Do I look like a fang-banger to you?"

Eric smirked she certainly did not. Now travelling down the highway to his place with his young companion he wondered once more if it was such a bright idea to invite her to work for him. After all the girl had nothing going for her, no looks, taste or sex appeal; in fact apart from her remarkable bartending skills she was possibly the last person he'd want in his club. Yet he was short a bartender "again" and perhaps a human addition to his staff could prove more versatile and could last longer.

"Do you have a drivers license?" he asked

"Yeah" she answered hesitantly

"And a car?"

Silence

"Ok, no car" he supplied helpfully "We'll have to do something about that, you live almost 40 minutes away."

She didn't confirm the obvious fact and just continued staring out the window. Eric left her in peace and they continued to drive the rest of the way in silence. He had first encountered the girl almost a week ago, and they had not spoken since that night. Just as she was visibly giving up hope on his job offer, Eric made a surprise appearance in front of her house catching her heading home from the grocer. He let her drop her shopping of before whisking her away in his Ferrari with barely a word.

Pulling into Fangtasia, he noted that though it was still early at night, the cue for entry was trailing down the front and around the building. Pam waiting at the front, ever the dutiful bouncer.

"Wow it looks busy."

Eric almost flinched, having forgotten all about his passenger on the silent drive.

"Business as usual, you think you can handle a full bar through the whole night?"

"No problem"

Her quick and confident reply made him smirk, "this" is why he hired her; and all his doubts where gone.

"_Pam I need you in my office, ask Rowland to cover for you."_

He got a mental imagine of his childes consent before she appeared instantly in his office.

"Whoa, I know you asked me to be efficient but that's just sick man. How'd you do it?"

The second part was directed at Pam, who having just noticed the new arrival was appraising her carefully. The gentle wrinkle of her nose, the only indicate of her distaste.

"Skill" she answered briskly before turning to Eric.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes I want you to meet the newest member of staff. Pam meet Billy, Billy Pam. She will be your supervisor when I'm not available and Pam Billy is our new bartender."

Turning back to face the young girl, Pam gave her a calculating look.

"I know you worry about out staff being a "distraction" for the clientele but don't you think your pushing it too far. I mean…"

"Enough, I've already hired her, live with it. It might be good for you to try working with someone you don't immediately take to bed. At least with Billy I know my investment is safe because she's not…" suddenly remembering her presence in the room, paused and chose a his words carefully "interested in other women."

Tossing her hair over one shoulder and shooting Eric a knowing smirk Pam turned to leave.

"What ever, I'm just going to go get little Billy a change of clothe for her debut."

"Change of clothes? Debut? What I'm starting tonight?"

Eric started up his laptop and with out glancing up from the screen spoke.

"Yes trial run, we'll see how well you handle yourself around "all" kinds of customers."

Billy nodded in slow motion "ok but I need to go and familiarize myself with the bar. Also about the "protection" we spoke of before how dose that…"

"Simple, I sit at the front on a platform. I have a clear view of the bar. If anyone so much as touches you I will be there in a blink of an eye to "defuse" the situation."

"Ah hah" she nodded again with even less conviction then the first time. "Can I go see the bar now?"

"Not before you change."

"Into these muffin" Pam spoke up from the open door way, tossing her a "very" small bag.

"You can get back to your duties Pam, I'll take it from here."

The blonde promptly disappeared. Billy opened the bag and using two fingers experimentally drew out the small leather halter-top with corseting lace at the back. Dropping the offending material into her lap she reached in and with even more vacillation drew out the black leather mini skirt with a disturbingly high split on "both" sides.

"Please no" she mumbled under her breath

"Oh yes, this is a night club and you will dress accordingly…"

"Like a whore" she interrupted

"Like a temptress" he growled back, hating to be undermined in anything or god forbid interrupted, "I suggest you acquire a pair of heels to go with that outfit or at least some decent flats, though I dare say with your height flats might stop you from reaching the bar."

"I did ok at "Merlotts" in sneakers" she growled back with equal vigor.

"This is not "Merlotts"," he provided, a smirk breaking free at the sound of her distress. "Now enough chit-chat. Change, now!"

With narrowed eyes Billy rouse graciously from her seat and walked right up to Eric's desk, slamming the bag of clothe down a fraction too hard for it to be an accident.

"And where pray tell me, might I do that?" she challenged.

Realizing for the first time that this was a woman he wasn't paying to undress for him, Eric got up and promptly walked out of his office.

"Right here" he threw over his shoulder "I'll be back in five, so you better be done."

"I will be"

As promised five minutes later Eric entered his office and encountered a most awkward sight. There she stood all five feet of her covered in scraps of leather. The halter-top riding a bit high on her naval, revealing a pale stretch of skin at the break between top and mini skirt. The skin bulged slightly forward, making him take note on how soft her figure was, still covered with that thin doughy layer modern day humans have labeled "puppy fat", the tight stretch of fabric however did wonders for her previously non-existent cleavage, pushing up what little in there to mould easily passable A cups. The skirt however revealed pudgy pale legs which seemed almost translucent in the office light and gave an eerily dead appearance to the over all ensemble. Forcing a smile on his face, Eric looked up at the beet- root colored face.

"Excellent"

"Y…your joking" she stammered out

"No not at all, come on I'll show you the bar."

Billy followed him reluctantly hugging her naked midriff with both arms.

"I'm still in sneakers," she said

"That's fine for tonight, no one going to be paying close attention to your shoes around here."

"But you said…"

"I like my staff well dressed, head to "toe" he emphasized the last word by glancing down to her sneakers, making her shuffle uncomfortably. This was going to be a long night.

The bar was quite similar to the one at "Merlottes" and Billy found herself enjoying her brief exploration, touching bottles and racks of glassware in order to cement them to memory. Just as she was familiarizing herself with the garnishes in the small bar fridge a cough broke her thoughts. Turning she noticed a young man of maybe 25 leaning over the bar counter.

"Can I get a drink over here"

Smiling for the first time tonight at the welcome familiarity of the scene she walked over and easily leaned forward towards her first customer of the night.

"Certainly what can I get yah?"


	3. Chapter 3

"This isn't working."

Eric sighed and looked up at his stony faced childe. Setting his pen gently on the desk he linked his fingers and leaned back into the leather.

"_What_ isn't working Pam?"

Eric's words coming out in a dangerous whisper; he was not in the mood for this bullshit. Thinking they walked on water a young group of human dealers had strayed and now a sizeable batch of V was lost somewhere in North Dakota or so he heard from yet another unreliable human source.

"_She_ isn't working"

""Au Contraire _she_ is working very diligently as we speak, and _you_ are wasting my time and slacking off."

"Don't get snappy with me Mr. _"I fucked up in drug trafficking and have no other concerns at the moment"_ I only meant the girl is an eye sore. Even with the leather pants we got to replace that skirt and hide those hideous legs of hers she still has that horrible hair and refuses to wear make-up. I don't…"

"What do you propose we do Pamela," he growled, startling her into silence; when Eric used Pamela he meant business.

"I wish you would let me "_convince_" her into letting me give her a make over."

"Fine what ever just don't go over the top or she'll quite and then your ass will be behind that bar for the rest of the year."

She grinned, "I doubt it, after all I can be very persuasive".

Billy was at the bar tranquilly polishing glasses, while watching the last few customers being forcefully ejected by Tim the bouncer. It had been a quite night and most of the customers had ordered beer and shooters allowing her to drift in thought and day dream of muscle clad men in tank tops fighting each other over her number. It was when she was finally stepping over the knocked out brunet to hand the digit-covered serviette to a sweating blonde with shoulder length locks that the sound of her name broke her trail of thoughts.

"Are you deaf girl?"

"Not quite"

"Well then come over here I have something to tell you."

With a clearly audible sigh and fake smile, the bar tender turned away from the glass rack and calmly walked over to the fuming blonde.

"What did you want to tell me?"

Pamela smiled and leaned forward slightly to come eye level with the girl. Putting one hand gently on her bare shoulder she stared deeply into the large doe like eyes, tilting her head somewhat to the side as she did.

"I thought maybe we could work on your image today. Give you a bit of a make over. I know you like it here, and you want to please Eric so you will always be here, part of our Fangtasia family. A make-over will really please Eric and you do want to please Eric, don't you?"

The bar was thick with magic as the glamour thickened the air, making the very atmosphere vibrate with energy and silence to become absolute. They were both trapped now in this sphere were nothing existed and time was just a memory. Just as quick as the breathless feeling came on, it subsided leaving behind the natural mood of a closing bar; the scrapping of chairs and chatter of pole dancers had never before sounded so loud.

"What did you do to me?"

Pam just stared as if unable to believe what just took place. Shaking her head she took a weary step back.

"I…I think we should see Eric, yes let go do that, see Eric, now!" she lunged forward and grabbed the girl around the wrist swiftly pulling her along.

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

"It just didn't, but the strangest thing was nothing happened I just couldn't get through to her, like there was a barrier or something."

Billy just stared at the two vampires and she tried to figure out what exactly didn't work. Coming up blank she decided asking might help.

"What didn't work?"

Bothe sets of eyes focused on her. Then masking his surprise with a charming smile Eric rose from his chair and walked purposefully towards her.

"When Pamela was talking to you about the make over, did you feel any urge at all to… do as she said" he finished awkwardly.

"Make over, what make over. Pam didn't say anything to me about a make over. Geez you people are never happy with the way I look! I'm sorry I'm not double D cupped with killer legs and no excess facial hair, but if your gonna be on my case all the time I might as well just q…"

"Enough already, so what did Pamela say to you?"

"I don't know I thought she was playing a joke on me and speaking Swedish cause all I heard was gibberish."

Eric lifted one perfectly sculpted eyebrow and spun on his heels to face an equally shocked Pam. This was getting interesting.

"I swear Eric I spoke perfect English."

"I haven't a doubt that you did Pam, but this is highly irregular. In all my years I've never heard anyone human or otherwise have a reaction like this to glamour. I must consult an old friend of mine on this matter so if you two will excuse me I need to call him right now."

Sitting back down at his desk he faced his laptop and said no more, clearly dismissing the two women and waiting for them to leave. Ha fat chance.

"Eric"

"Boss-man"

Sighing he lifted tired blue eyes. What now?

"Yes?"

"I still need to give her a make over and…"

"I don't want a make over so…"

"Tell her she needs this or she's not going to las…"

"I'd rather quite then look like one of your dancing playboy bunni…"

"She's not taking it seriously we…" 

"You never said dressing a like a hoo…"

Lifting two hands in the air each respectfully meant for silence and mercy, Eric was immediately successful in obtaining both. He looked from one flushed and angry girl to the other pale but fuming woman and sighed.

"Ok here's what we're going to do. Billy you will let Pam do your hair and teach you how to use make up only. And to avoid further dispute Pam will provide you with choices and you are free to pick one, as long as they are reasonable choices Pam," he warned sternly. "Billy you are part of the Fangtasia team and as I mentioned early we set a certain image that dose not incorporate dressing like slobs and looking 14 fucking years old. Pam you will not overwhelm Billy with your ideas and allow her a broad choice of options to choose from for both hair and make-up, you will also not do anything with out her approval but I'm warning you Billy if I see you tomorrow with that hay stack hair and no make-up your fired. Now both of you please leave. NOW!" 

Startling slightly at the volume of the last word, both women nodded and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind them.

"Fuckfuckingtastic" the blonde muttered as he reached for his cell.


	4. Important

Hi my lovelies

Just a quick note to let you know I'm putting up this story and a few others (full list on my profile) for adoption. If it doesn't get a home by the 9/10/13 it will get binned. Sorry my darlings but I decided that if I haven't updated them in over a year, I doubt I will ever do so. My passion's gone now that the muse died for these stories, but they still want a gentle hand to guide them on

All my love

XxX

WOH


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